February 2, 2020
I wrote this a few weeks ago, and it is amazing how relevant this has become in my life.
Some people believe that boundaries are negative but, what if I told you they are healthy. I read an article that quoted Howes, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. He defines a boundary as the line where I end, and someone else begins.
Boundaries are needed in all relationships, not just romantic. Boundaries are simple standards that people make to determine how others can act around them. For example, they may include what behavior is acceptable and what is not and how to respond if someone violates those limits. I was never taught proper boundaries until I was a young adult, struggling through depression. I would sacrifice myself to be there for my family. This, in turn, carried over to my romantic relationships.
When did it change? After years of therapy. But, boundaries need upkeep. I had to learn this the difficult way, here recently.
It helped that Dustin came into my life around the same time. Ive always told myself; I would need a guy who could put me in my place when needed. Meaning, I needed a guy who had boundaries and wasnt afraid to tell me about them.
Simply put, drawing a line to limit an area. In more psychological terms, taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or feelings of others. This can happen with your spouse, friends, parents, grandparents, children, co-workers, any human relationship.
You can have two types of unhealthy boundaries. First, taking more accountability for the emotions and behaviors of others than you are accountable for. Second, expecting others to take more responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors than they are responsible for.
If you thought yes, then you may have issues maintaining boundaries. If you asked me 4 weeks ago, do you have boundaries, I would undoubtedly respond hell yes. Ask me today, and Ill tell you, I thought my boundaries were strong, but then come to find out, boundaries need constant maintenance. I have not been good at supporting mine.
Standing up for yourself
Know what you need
Make clarity a priority
Healthy relationships require crystal clear boundaries. Most parents will not undertake their adult child abusing drugs or alcohol in their homes. If those boundaries are clear, the child has little chance of manipulating their parents love to get what they want. Most couples agree that cheating is a boundary intrusion. If you have voiced that this is something you will not tolerate, and it does happen, there are no excuses that a person can make, to justify their actions. If you let your friend know that friendships are a two-way street and you feel that your needs have not been met, you guys have a platform to discuss how the other is feeling, behavior can be altered or the relationship may end for the better.
You are worthy of any boundaries you seem fit, temporary, or non-negotiable.
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I am Tesa Saulmon, I am here sharing my story, experiences, thoughts and motivations, letting people know NOTHING can keep you down, unless you allow it to.